I’ve been silent. Words evaded me. Concepts and ideas filled my mind but the excitement to share had escaped. I’ve been faced with a conundrum; do I write the known story or do I write the unspoken story? The known story – the comfortable truth that has been learnt before that will conjure up the usual smiles, gentle words of encouragement and a couple of likes on facebook; or the unspoken story – the uncomfortable outpouring of my heart, unadulterated with no bars held.
Writing my blog each week is like you asking me: how are things? I don’t want my answer to be like the ‘church howdy’; when a well-meaning fellow church goer asks ‘how are you?’ and even if your house has been the sole target of the worlds’ onslaughts, you simply answer – ‘fine, thankyou’.
So, how am I?
If I’m completely honest it’s been foggy over here, cloudy with a downpour of ‘the miserables’. The most frustrating thing is that there’s nothing new about what we’re facing. It manifests itself in different ways but, it always boils down to the same issues. Same story with the same stars just a different front cover.
Many marriages are the same. The issue is never really the in law visiting, it’s that your values on how to treat family members are different. The issue is never really that there’s no money, it’s that your approaches to financial planning are polar opposite. It takes maturity to look beyond the symptoms and find the root cause of the problem. What’s the point of curing the headache with paracetamol, if the root cause is dehydration? Yes, the paracetamol will cure the headache but eventually another symptom will arise that paracetamol can’t cure. You can both increase your salaries but, it doesn’t change cause your mindsets to align. That takes time, time and effort, with a whole heap of perseverance.
This time can be days, it can be months or years, a minute is too long to wait for someone who’s hungry. During that wait it’s hard to see that glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. So, I’m painting a picture of the future. I’m creating the dream that will warm your heart when bitterness freezes the home over.
Dear my beloved,
I’ve not been myself lately; I know, you know, these four walls know. My head has been caught up, trying to use my brain cells to cook up theories, strategies and methods to get you to understand me. My efforts have been fruitless, forcing me back to a dark place of doubt. I can only imagine how this has appeared to you. All the time focusing on what should be and not what is. This time has taught me that I have to let go of comparison. We can’t keep up with the Kardishians and we don’t bend it like the Beckhams. If we were to chase the dreams of Hollywood, we’d end up facing the treturous heartache of a divided home.
I’ve not been fair to you. Expecting immediate changes at my say so. You’ve been you in all your splendour for much longer than you’ve known me and all my complex complexities. I guess we just have to allow each other to ‘be’. I beg you to please be patient with me, I’m still learning. I’m fallible. I react too fast and forgive too slowly. My heart is still adjusting to this walk we’ve embarked on. It’s still beating to the old tune and it occasionally misses your steps and sometimes has to sit the entire song out.
So, today, I’m taking to our life like Michelangelo to an easel because the sky is our beginning, there’s no Sistine ceiling. I’m painting a new picture, one that allows me to focus on what lies ahead and not the missed opportunities or failures of the past.
I see us walking hand in hand, with our palms entwined and partnership of mind. I picture us as best of friends, sharing thoughts, ideas, hopes and aspirations of building a legacy. And in those times when we don’t agree, we won’t force our hearts to disagree. We will be able to separate the issues from the love we have for each other. No longer will we compound our issues, confusing arguments with that of the past so that our future is spoilt. We will no longer punish the future for our present state. The truth will be spoken in its purest form and our hearts will be prepared to accept it.
In me there’s a renewed, dangerously fierce resolve to not allow the devils’ divisive devices and distractions to claim this home. We’re not going to stand up and be counted in the world’s woeful wedded statistics. Despite what the world tells me, I am equipped to love you. I didn’t marry you on a whim or without watchful eyes because I didn’t marry you in isolation. It was a prayerful decision so, in that case, all I need to love you is already in me. The power to forgive and forget, the strength to overlook offence, the grace to give when it seems all has been given, it’s all here and more.
I see us old and grey, still painfully passionately in love surrounded by our children – those who came from us and those we have raised to be part of us. They will all be inspired by our love for each other; using our marriage as a blueprint for them to build their own family from.
We aren’t there yet but, it doesn’t mean we won’t get there.
I’m saying goodbye to forever complaining, endless measuring up and comparing with internal and external expectations. Goodbye to wishing, wanting and praying for change to occur in you. And to the past (in the words of Taylor Swift); we are never ever, ever, getting back together. That’s the essence of being forever newlywed; ever evolving, ever renewing. WE are forever newlywed.